SPEC: Heaven or SPEC Keishichou Kouanbu Kouan Daigoka Mishou Jiken Tokubetsu Taisakugakari Jikenbo Shou (2012)

film

This is one of those times when despair overwhelmed me as I sat in the cinema. I’d entered, my hopes tuned into the higher frequencies by what had gone before, but it all turned to dust before my eyes. So here we go with SPEC: Heaven or SPEC Keishichou Kouanbu Kouan Daigoka Mishou Jiken Tokubetsu Taisakugakari Jikenbo Shou (2012) which, not surprisingly, is billed as the film of the television series. Having watched the ten episodes of Keizoku 2—SPEC with rapt attention, the only questions as I entered the cinema were whether they would continue the story from where the television series finished and what balance the writers would strike between the police procedural and the science fiction. The answer to the first is that we more or less continue the story and, insofar as I can dignify the film with the words, it’s a science fiction film. At this point, I’ll make clear what should already be obvious. This is not just the worst film of the year so far. It’s now the leading candidate for the worst film of the decade. Frankly, I’m not quite sure how I managed to sit through it.

Toda Erika and Kase Ryo as the dynamic duo at odds

 

For once, this is going to be a short review. If I really put my mind to it, I would catalogue a ghastly series of failures, but this would rapidly grow repetitive and boring. I will refer to some of the problems in general terms and leave you with the sobering advice never to watch this, even if someone offers you money to join a focus group or as some other piece of market research. No amount of money in your hand will make this a pleasurable way of spending two hours of your time.

 

We start with a surprising sequence telling us about the appearance of the Virgin Mary and three prophesies, the final one never being made public by the Vatican. OK so this is going to be a global story tying Japan into the broader structure of myths, legends and predictions. We’ll see agents from all over the world, and specifically from the Vatican and other organised religions, coming into Japan to confront the problems and produce a result that will keep the world safe. Well, you’d be wrong. There does seem to be one foreign agent, Satoko Aoike (Chiaki Kuriyama) floating around. In the past, she and Assistant Inspector Sebumi Takeru (Kase Ryo) had a relationship and, unknown to him, she gave birth to a little girl. Except, the DNA does not match. So perhaps this makes the little girl our century’s Jesus Christ. Perhaps this is the news the Vatican has been holding back. Well, the script begins to imply this girl is going to be pivotal because Ninomae Juichi (Kamiki Ryunosuke) has survived and kidnaps the poor little mite. Fortunately, Shimura Misuzu (Fukuda Saki) goes with her as a nanny so, for the time being, she’s protected. Except this story thread dies. We never see the girl again. You would expect she would either arise from the dead and lead the world as the new Messiah or at least be reunited by her mother. But we never see mother or daughter again! This is incredible and not in a good way!

Kamiki Ryunosuke and Atsushi Ito trying to take over the world

 

So what about our paper-shredder in chief, Toma Saya (Toda Erika)? Well she can’t be the one mentioned in the prophesy because she seems to have acquired a dark power, namely the ability to raise the dead. I seriously doubt the Virgin Mary would have whispered to the Vatican that a Japanese woman was suddenly going to appear as a necromancer. What’s the threat? That Japan will suddenly produce a zombie plague and overrun the rest of the world with dead Samurai? In fact, Toma spends a lot of the film doubled over in pain clutching her arm and fighting off the temptation to raise an army of the dead — presumably Satan is not a little unhappy that she’s resisting the temptation. Oh wait. Perhaps that makes Toma a saint in Catholic eyes! Except, we never see any representative of the Vatican and no-one actually mentions the possibility of Toma being the Messiah. All we get are two, or possibly three, references to the prophesy without anyone saying what it is.

Yuko Asano freeze-dry for freshness

 

What the script delivers is a patently unthreatening duo (later threesome) joining Ninomae Juichi — two inexplicably becomes three when Madame Yo (Yuko Asano), the daft mummy-maker, turns into a yin/yang pair of twins who alternately run hot and cold, and lead to the ultimately silly fight with Sebumi. For the record, he rips his feet from frozen boots, leaving his skin inside, and we watch as his bleeding legs and feet carry him dancing into battle. Atsushi Ito, the other bad guy has funny fingers that can grow into spears or tentacles and fight at a distance. He’s laughably incompetent. So it all comes down to Toma being able to devise the master plan for beating Ninomae Juichi again. It has a bizarre kind of logic and, despite being blown up by the latest version of Tsuda Sukehiro (Shiina Kippei), she triumphs and, if the world was ever at risk, it’s now safe again, or something.

 

SPEC: Heaven or SPEC Keishichou Kouanbu Kouan Daigoka Mishou Jiken Tokubetsu Taisakugakari Jikenbo Shou (2012) is an unspeakably bad film with inappropriate humour and not a single shred of rationality in the plot. Do not make my mistake and pay to see it!

 

For the reviews of the television series, see:
Keizoku 2—SPEC Keishichou kouanbu kouan daigoka mishou jiken tokubetsu taisakugakari jikenbo (2010): Episodes 1 to 5
Keizoku 2—SPEC Keishichou kouanbu kouan daigoka mishou jiken tokubetsu taisakugakari jikenbo (2010): Episodes 6 to end.